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If your best homie called you on April 1 and told you they're lighting up a fat pre-roll of Cat Piss, you would be forgiven for thinking it's an April Fool's joke. But it might not necessarily be a prank: That is the real name of an actual cannabis strain.
Strain names can sometimes be challengingly crass, an enduring holdover from the plant's contemporary subcultural origins. Monikers like Green Crack, Grandpa's Breath and Spicy White Devil are not meant to convey a comforting therapeutic vibe—they are meant to elicit a stoner giggle and, to a lesser extent, inelegantly describe some specific characteristic of the flower, the plant or the cultivation process. For example, Nutcruncher, a super-rare indica hybrid cultivated for pain relief by stalwart strain hunter Reeferman, is so named because it allegedly made his left testicle tingle.
As Mary Jane flows deeper into the mainstream, strains with screwball names like these might go extinct sooner than later. In time, such cultivars will almost certainly be bred into hybrids or renamed entirely to appeal to more than just conventional slacker-stoner types. But in the meantime, strain hunters and prank aficionados will find these strains make compellingly gross additions to an otherwise ordinary stash box.
Now, are you going to smoke some Charlie Sheen with me or what?
Cheetah Piss
Named in homage to venerable stank strain Cat Piss, Cheetah Piss may not share genetics with its namesake, but it certainly shares a similar gassy, funky, gag-worthy perfume. Despite a polarizing fragrance, this hybrid strain is a popular stress and depression reliever, with users overwhelmingly describing its effects as euphoric and invigorating at the onset, deeply relaxing on the descent, and long-lasting overall. Sure, the name implies equal parts biohazard and apex predator colon, but this strain remains largely favored for its therapeutic uses.
What to expect: Cheetah Piss is a cross of London Poundcake 97, Lemonade, and Gelato 42. Expect an earthy, lemon-pine exhale to contradict the top notes of a wildcat's asshole.
Get it from: Lemonnade, 6218 NE Columbia Blvd., 971-279-2337, thereallemonnade.com/pdx.
Sour Cheese
Just like it's pungent namesake, Sour Cheese is an acquired taste. This strain is a cross of balanced hybrid Strawberry Diesel and indica-forward Cheese. Both titles describe their fragrances and relative flavors, but Sour Cheese features a bit of both, hence the title. Though this strain's genetics lean sativa, users report effects that clearly reflect the indica-hybrid parentage, which is to say, this strain offers a relaxing and blissful high that doesn't tranquilize its users.
What to expect: According to users, Sour Cheese has several powerfully therapeutic effects as well, including relief from anxiety, depression, glaucoma, arthritis and chronic pain. Expect a perfume that suggests spicy strawberry gasoline over a ripe, sweaty mound of soft cheese and an analogous exhale.
Get it from: Budlandia, 16440 SE Division St., 503-805-2871, budlandiapdx.com.
Purple Monkey Balls
Purple Monkey Balls has a few different potential origin stories. Is it the cartoonishly christened phenotype of Granddaddy Purple and Deep Chunk, named in reference to the purple, bulbous buds that resemble, ahem, primate testicles? Or was it SnowHigh Seeds that first designated its cross of Sputnik, C99 and Acapulco Gold in reference to wild jungle ape nuts? The originators of the strain may remain mysterious, but the strain's effects are easy to discover. Purple Monkey Balls is reportedly a powerful indica with dominant sedative effects. Users note the strain's efficacy at relieving mild to chronic pain, as well as pain associated with neuropathy—and, bonus, it can help ease stress, anxiety and insomnia.
What to expect: Purple Monkey Balls is a particularly rare strain, showing up in only a handful of far-flung locations. If a 300-mile road trip in search of these balls isn't a possibility, seeds are available through Pacific Seed Bank. Otherwise, Mendocino Purps is a genetically similar dupe that's common in local shops.
Get it from: pacificseedbank.com
Steve McGarrett’s Hair
Steve McGarrett and "Danno" Williams were the detective duo made famous by the 1970s TV series Hawaii Five-0. Naming your cannabis strain after a television cop ain't the move, but referencing his freaking hair is such an old-school stoner power move. Unfortunately, the strain is super-hard to find, and it's origins are similarly inscrutable, despite the fact that it lends its genetics to many of today's most ubiquitous hybrids, including White Widow. But just because the flowers are scarce doesn't mean Steve's Hair is out of circulation entirely. This ultra-rare strain is currently available in feminized seed form, and is supposedly as easy to grow as its namesake tropical detective's Caucasian coiffure.
What to expect: Users report effects that include a velvety body high and long lasting euphoria. Expect a fast-growing, low-maintenance plant with a medium-high yield and a 55-to-90-day flowering time.
Get it from: sensibleseeds.com
Elmer’s Glue
Any phrase that includes the words "smoke," "high" and "glue" is likely a red flag to a teetotaling passerby, but to the seasoned stoner, these phrases describe an indica whose genetics are sure to include GG #4, formerly known as Gorilla Glue. Elmer's is a hybrid cultivar that mashes up the mild indica effects of GG with the similarly soothing effects of The White. The resulting white-glue phenotype is a hybrid whose effects are responsive rather than overwhelming—not unlike the difference between industrial adhesive and preschool paste.
What to expect: Users report a high that can be either spacey and palliative or focused and buzzy. Either way, the strain is manageable enough for day use, unlike its parent strain, whose reputation for gluing users to their seats led to its sticky designation. Expect a gassy, piney perfume and a grassy, botanical exhale.
Get it from: Maritime Cafe, 17417 SE McLoughlin Blvd., 503-305-8307, maritimecafe.com.